capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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