Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
