so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
