The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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