So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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