I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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