We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Randomize
