the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the condom got lost in my hair
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
