Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
