I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
