A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
