Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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