so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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