Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
