just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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