1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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