I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...