Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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