I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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