i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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