Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
