He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
