my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
