I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
