I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I would fuck him just for his dog
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
