Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
