It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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