I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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