i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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