He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
