Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You ruined the universe
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
