good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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