I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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