When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
