Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
