How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
