i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
