How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
