Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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