Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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