I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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