You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
