The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
