she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
