thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Couch. On fire.
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