Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
