I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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