He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
God, I missed his penis.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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