Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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