i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Farmville is her only friend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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