you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
