You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
