it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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