Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
