I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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