my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
