just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
